Wordless Wednesday

my 20's have been cursed..

so I'm just making an observation about my 20's. I'll be 24 next January but it seems like my "20's" have been cursed. I had a good 20 year run without losing close family members - yeah sure a cousin who I'd never met would pass away but I usually wouldn't even find out about it until months after. Well every year since I've turned 20 I've lost someone in my immediate family: Grandma Codie Feb 2005, my brother Carl July 2006, DH's Grandmother Feb 2007, and now my mom(-in-law) Feb 2008. Honestly I'm scared about who it's going to be next.

Sleep issues...

I've been having such a hard time sleeping at night, mainly falling asleep. Once I get to sleep I'm fine it's just the whole relaxing and falling asleep that takes forever, sometimes up to 4 HOURS! I didn't do a Meal Plan Monday this week since I didn't feel much like cooking. Honestly these last few days have been such a blur... I really miss my mother-in-law alot. It's so hard losing someone who is a constant in your life and I'm really sad for Logan. His 1st birthday is in one month, and while he probably won't remember grandma Genie when he's older I'm most sad about that. I always thought she'd be there for us, at least until Logan was in highschool. Grandparents aren't supposed to die when babies are so young and Genie shouldn't have died at all. I'm still really angry at the Drs and it still feels like it's not real. Sometimes I forget for just second that she's really gone and when I remember my heartbreaks all over again.

Wordless Wednesday

My 11 month old!

do you have a spare time machine?

There have been so many times in my life where I've wished that I had a time machine to go back and fix things that have gone wrong and shouldn't have. Yesterday was one of those times.

Michael's mother passed away last night, I think we're all so much in shock. Honestly did I never in a million years think that I would loose my parents or Michael's parents so early. She'd been sick for the past two weeks with bronchitis, but her Dr never gave her antibiotics to fight it - they only gave her an inhaler of advair - and so it developed into pneumonia. She went into respitory arrest at around 6:30pm and was sent to the ER. Reedley is the closest hospital and they don't have an ICU but they could not stablize her enough to air-lift transfer her to Modesto. She went into cardiac arrest several times with them reviving her before passing from us shortly after 9pm.

When she had her appointment on the 7th her lungs were only working at 50% capacity (I didn't know this until last night, believe me if I had I'd have fought more for her to see a different doctor) so why didn't they do a chest x-ray? there are so many questions that are running though my head like "what if" but "shoulda, coulda, woulda" won't bring her back and it won't ease the pain that we're all feeling right now. I'm angry and I'm sad and I can't believe this is real. My poor father-in-law and my sister-in-law (19 is too young to loose your mother..) are both in a state of shock and we stayed with them until 3am. Michael is trying to be strong for them and I worry that he's not letting himself grieve properly because of that, but I also know he handles grief different than others.

I can't write anymore right now.

Logan's first birthday pressies

We recieved Logan birthday presents from Jackie in the mail today and Logan had such a fun time opening them up. He got a cute pair of kahki shorts, a shortsleeve shirt, and a set of "my first books" (numbers, words, and abc). Here's some photos.

Valentines Day!

Yesterday we went to Visalia for my eye doctor's appointment and our Valentines dinner, we wanted to just eat out on the 13th rather than today since we knew we'd have Logan and there wasn't much sense in facing the traffic, lines, and long waits with him. I decided to call Stacy and stop over there and I'm glad I called because they were going out to eat too and so we just all went to Brew Bakers together and had a really great time! I love hanging out with Stacy and Jake they're alot of fun, hopefully we'll move to Visalia soon and I'll get to see more of them.
DH got me a really great present this year, well it was really a christmas-birthday-valentinesday present but anywho he got me a HP Pavilion laptop and I was really needing a new one. It's very nice and has a 250GB hard drive, 2GB RAM, and a beautiful HD screen (seriously! I never knew laptops came with "hd" screens and it makes such a world of difference!) my old one only had a 60GB hardrive and 512MB RAM so it's a huge leap for me. I guess he's off the hook even if he forgets flowers and a card this year. :)
Completely off the topic I'm watching "Click" and I never realized that Kate Beckinsale has gorgeous hair!

Wordless Wednesday

Menu Plan Tuesday?

Hosted by: orgjunkie.com

I'm trying to be more organized so I've decided to hop on the meal planning train! I'm not really off to a good start as I plan on doing this every Monday but I'm a bit late doing my grocery shopping and planning this week.

Wednesday - Mushroom, Spinach, and Ricotta Stuffed Manicotti, Chicken Parmesan, and Salad
Thursday - Dine Out
Friday - Garlic Onion Burgers (Garlic Onion Jalapeño Burgers for DH!), steamed mixed veggies, and Steak Fries
Saturday - Chicken & Dumplings with French bread
Sunday - Meatloaf and Garden Salad

I have to be careful with my meal planning so that I don't choose too many dishes with chicken or pasta, I could eat a variation of chicken everyday and be just fine and well pasta I'm Italian, need I say more? I'm also making meatloaf for the first time this week, DH hates meatloaf but has promised he'll try it - we'll see how this goes! Maybe next week I can figure out a healthier menu.

Just Between Friends

The JBF sale is coming up here within the next couple of weeks, March 2nd - 8th to be exact, and this year I've decided to volunteer. Not only do they need help but a portion of the proceeds from the sale go to local charities and the YMCA. I guess the fact that I'll get an early scoop on all the items for sale and access to the sale hours before everyone else doesn't hurt either. I look forward to the JBF sale every year even though I don't turn much profit from it I think we save so much from me shopping there, this year I'm planning what I'm going to buy to help save even more money! I want to get ALL of Logan's outfits until October and plenty of toys as well as I want to try and find a small plastic climbing gym w/ a slide.
This year they're also hosting one in Fresno along with the Visalia one March 27-30th so I plan on shopping that one too (but not volunteering - Fresno is much too far of a drive to take 2 x's). So if you live in the Central Valley be sure to visit their page and check out the sales and even if you don't live in the area be sure to check our the JBF Sale website to locate one in your area as well!

GAH!

I've been so sick for the past two days and it's been horrible, I HATE being sick! I'm feeling a bit better now, though my sinus' are still bothering me and my nose is like a faucet. I hope Logan doesn't pick up whatever it is I've got. We took Logan to the Dr yesterday just to make sure he hadn't caught it since he's been sticking his finger down his throat and coughing but he checked out great. I think I take Logan to the Dr too much, I just get so worried and my biggest motto is "better safe than sorry" lol though I guess if I'd listened to myself I wouldn't have Logan in the first place. ^_^
Anyway that's why I haven't posted much, well that and I've been playing the Sim2 again! That's like my favorite game of all time, I get so sucked into it and that's the end there's no pulling me back to reality. I'm working on getting the house together for my Mary Kay debut on Monday, I'm really excited about that but nervous and anxious too. I need to sell 200$ worth of products to become "active" but I won't see a dime of it unless I sell 300$ worth of product. I'm hoping that I can get enough people to come, if 20 people come and buy 20$ worth of stuff I'm all set! Though I doubt I could get that many people to come so we'll see how it turns out.
It looks like we aren't doing anything for Valentines day, I'm kinda down about that. I was really looking forward to going skiing and snowboard but I don't see it happening. I love Michael so much but he's really not the romantic type, I rarely get "just because" flowers and I'm lucky if I even get a card on my birthday. *sigh*
Even though I was sick we did work on emptying the garage a bit and even though we didn't throw out much we did sort and condense a good portion of it. I found a bunch of old clothing that I'm going to take to the salvation army, old photos (I'll have to scan some!), stories I wrote back in jr high (that I want to type up and save), and some other things I'd been looking for. It made me think of starting my own bussiness, I wish I could open something like a baby boutique! I've always wanted my own business though I've really been jumping back and forth between a book store and a baby boutique I think that a baby boutique would do much better and there aren't many of them around here. I just wouldn't know where to start...

Wordless Wednesday

Hold the double chin please.

So I decided that I'm going to start taking better care of myself. I found a piece of paper that I had written my "measurements" on from Feb 06 and it made me depressed. I mean I thought I was fat then... if I only knew. So I know that I can loose the weight because around that time I had gone from about where I am right now to 145lbs in about 2 months. I think that's a large reason as to why I'm so depressed all the time. I look like crap so I feel like crap, I just need to take better care of ME and stop worrying about everything else. I even did sit ups tonight! My biggest problem is actually starting my workout routine, I need motivation and I can't really find any. My motivation before was that I wanted to look good for Michael, but like most married couples I think we've both just gotten comfortable and out of shape, though Michael is still in waaaay better shape than I. In a way I guess that's good, we love each other no matter what but we all know that health=happiness.

oh and let me introduce you to my new friend double chin. Seriously! WTH did this thing come from???

Money Money Money

So today we got our tax refund, yay for money! Having money is always scary to me though, I really have to control myself to not run out and buy everything I want. In a way I think that shopping is therapeutic to me and I'll admit I do have a serious budget control issue. I wish I were more responsible with money but I really think that growing up it is your parents responsibility to teach you how to manage your money, my parents never did. We were always in debt and my parents were always avoiding answering the phone or making me or my brother do it and tell whoever that they weren't home. I never want to do that to Logan. I'm not afraid to answer the phone, I know it's inevitable and that I will have to deal with them eventually so why put it off? Besides doesn't it look better if you try to figure something out rather than pull the whole "pink elephant in the room" thing?
Anyway our tax refund is mostly going towards our bills, though I would like to put a portion of it into a savings account for Logan. If I could buy one large item for myself it would be a piano, I've always wanted one! Playing the piano is something that I really enjoy, I see it as an outlet much like I saw running as an outlet 2 years ago. I could be the running piano playing lady! Though I think it's be rather hard doing both at the same time. :) I don't see us being able to actually purchase anything large though, so a piano is defiantly out - besides where would we put it?
I am however trying to convince Michael to spend part of the money on one thing, a resort trip for us. You know just for the 2 of us to get away, possibly to Badger Pass in Yosemite for skiing/snowboarding or whatever. I've never gone skiing and it looks like alot of fun, so maybe this year is the year!

If Only.

We're really trying to figure out something with our living arrangements right now, we've been looking for a rental and on the fence over the possibility of buying a home. My parents home here in CA is too small for 2 families and they're trying to sell it soon and move back to PA anyway, so we do need to figure out something for Michael, Logan, and I soon.
I don't think I've really said what the problem between me and my parents is to anyone, and I don't think I knew until just recently. Our relationship has been on a steady decline the past 1 1/2 years, mainly due to my brother's death. While most people would feel like they've become an only child I feel like I've become an orphan. Little orphan Annie (no pun intended but my family nn for me is "Annie"). My parents have been obsessed with his death, the circumstances surrounding it, and him in general ever since he passed and they've really negligent me and my life. Yes, we've lost my brother but we've been blessed by so much more in life and I don't think they see this. I've told both of them how I feel only to have them tell me they are trying to find justice for him, deny that they're obsessed, and deny that their grief rules their lives. At time they've even gone so far as to accuse me of not caring about him. My brother wouldn't have wanted us to lament his death everyday for the rest of our lives. It's the cause of all our fights, and the reason why I don't think I'll ever get my real parents back.
I couldn't sleep tonight so just for the heck of it I decided to Zillow my childhood home back in Delaware and found out it's for sale. For some reason I burst into tears at seeing this, I think mainly because I want it so bad. I had so many great memories there and so many horrible memories too but mainly good. Mainly my brother, who was loving and kind and always there for me growing up. He was everything a big brother should be, I miss him so much. Honestly I thought so much about this in the last few years, what I would do if that house went up for sale and I knew immediately I would try and buy it - that's something I knew long before now.
Unless a miracle happens we won't be owning a home anytime soon, but just knowing that THAT home was up for sale and knowing that when it sells who knows when it will go up again made it hurt that much more. It's not like it was a great house but the sentimental attachment is there, the memories are there of people who've slipped from my reach and people who even though they are right in front of me I feel like I don't know anymore. I miss them.