We're really trying to figure out something with our living arrangements right now, we've been looking for a rental and on the fence over the possibility of buying a home. My parents home here in CA is too small for 2 families and they're trying to sell it soon and move back to PA anyway, so we do need to figure out something for Michael, Logan, and I soon.
I don't think I've really said what the problem between me and my parents is to anyone, and I don't think I knew until just recently. Our relationship has been on a steady decline the past 1 1/2 years, mainly due to my brother's death. While most people would feel like they've become an only child I feel like I've become an orphan. Little orphan Annie (no pun intended but my family nn for me is "Annie"). My parents have been obsessed with his death, the circumstances surrounding it, and him in general ever since he passed and they've really negligent me and my life. Yes, we've lost my brother but we've been blessed by so much more in life and I don't think they see this. I've told both of them how I feel only to have them tell me they are trying to find justice for him, deny that they're obsessed, and deny that their grief rules their lives. At time they've even gone so far as to accuse me of not caring about him. My brother wouldn't have wanted us to lament his death everyday for the rest of our lives. It's the cause of all our fights, and the reason why I don't think I'll ever get my real parents back.
I couldn't sleep tonight so just for the heck of it I decided to Zillow my childhood home back in Delaware and found out it's for sale. For some reason I burst into tears at seeing this, I think mainly because I want it so bad. I had so many great memories there and so many horrible memories too but mainly good. Mainly my brother, who was loving and kind and always there for me growing up. He was everything a big brother should be, I miss him so much. Honestly I thought so much about this in the last few years, what I would do if that house went up for sale and I knew immediately I would try and buy it - that's something I knew long before now.
Unless a miracle happens we won't be owning a home anytime soon, but just knowing that THAT home was up for sale and knowing that when it sells who knows when it will go up again made it hurt that much more. It's not like it was a great house but the sentimental attachment is there, the memories are there of people who've slipped from my reach and people who even though they are right in front of me I feel like I don't know anymore. I miss them.